Urge Elected Officials to Do Less Since City is “Problem-Free”

The New York City Coalition Against Hunger, an umbrella group for the city’s more than 1,200 soup kitchens and food pantries, announced today that not only was everything perfect in the city, things were, in fact, getting substantially better.

According to a comprehensive new study released today by the Coalition, the “perfection index” for the city had increased by a whopping 485% in just the month of March alone. Citing these findings, the Coalition urged the city’s largest corporations to pay the people who clean their offices at night even less.

Said Joel Berg, the Coalition’s executive director, “It turns out the New York Post was right all along – there are no serious problems impacting poor people in New York City. Since the city is entirely problem-free, we now urge all our elected officials at the Federal, State, and City levels to do less, and we formally apologize to them if we ever criticized them for not doing more.”

The Coalition also announced that, because it was so ecstatically happy at the state of affairs in the city, it would no longer use any of the following words in press releases or in testimony before the City Council: “outraged,” “disappointed,” “flabbergasted,” “flummoxed,” “lied to,” “angered,” “troubled,” “aghast,” “indignant,” “slack-jawed,” or “fatoozled.”

The Coalition indicated that it had commissioned a new study to find alternative adjectives to use to express its pleasure with the status quo. The entire staff of the Coalition has also been enrolled in a special re-training program to learn new, non-outraged, facial expressions.

Continued Berg,“Because the city has solved all its problems, we are going to take this Sunday – and the entire month of April – off work. True, the number of families forced to use city homeless shelters is at the highest level in history, one in six New Yorkers live in households that can’t afford enough food, and the City is still removing families from the welfare rolls before they have jobs – but just imagine the problems we’d have if our elected officials hadn’t done everything perfectly.”

The Coalition also announced that, because it was so ecstatically happy at the state of affairs in the city, it would no longer use any of the following words in press releases or in testimony before the City Council: “outraged,” “disappointed,” “flabbergasted,” “flummoxed,” “lied to,” “angered,” “troubled,” “aghast,” “indignant,” “slack-jawed,” or “fatoozled.”

The Coalition indicated that it had commissioned a new study to find alternative adjectives to use to express its pleasure with the status quo. The entire staff of the Coalition has also been enrolled in a special re-training program to learn new, non-outraged, facial expressions.

Continued Berg,“Because the city has solved all its problems, we are going to take this Sunday – and the entire month of April – off work. True, the number of families forced to use city homeless shelters is at the highest level in history, one in six New Yorkers live in households that can’t afford enough food, and the City is still removing families from the welfare rolls before they have jobs – but just imagine the problems we’d have if our elected officials hadn’t done everything perfectly.”